The Two Phases of Gratitude
There are two phases of gratitude.
The first and most common phase is outward gratitude. It comes from the knowledge or belief that your life is better than that of someone else. You may have something good that another person lacks such as love. Or, you may lack something bad that another person has such as illness. In either case, your gratitude is relative. For example, when I witnessed what life was like in a slum, I felt immense gratitude because in comparison to absolute poverty, my life is practically perfect.[1]
The second and monastic phase is inward gratitude. It is appreciating what is there, regardless of what there is elsewhere. Inward gratitude is purely a present-moment appreciation. Imagine you just met a friend and were inwardly grateful. You would be thankful for that singular experience, irrespective of the friends you met or might make later.[2]
In our lives, there are abundant opportunities to be outwardly grateful. Sadly, suffering is all around us. Depending on who you are, there are thousands to billions of people whose lives are worse than yours.[3]
I have noticed that each instance of outward gratitude has led me closer to inward gratitude. Crucially, an observation of relative gratitude gives a clue as to what is enough for me. And when I have enough, I care less about what someone else has—sometimes I cease to care at all. For example, I know I could have been born smarter and more attractive. However, after meeting thousands of people, I know that I am smart and attractive enough. This is not to imply complacency, rather it is to end needless comparison. I am simply grateful for what is there; my gratitude is more absolute.
There are two phases of gratitude. And as the first phase exposes what is enough for me, I approach the second. I am increasingly looking inward, not outward.[4]
Footnotes
[1] In outward gratitude, you can compare yourself not just with someone else, but also with other versions of yourself. For instance, I am grateful to be healthy today because I knew how horrible it was to be sick yesterday.
[2] Surprisingly, children are very inwardly grateful. They are grateful for the present moment. Despite them not knowing about suffering, they can display great gratitude when receiving the smallest kindness.
[3] Or better. Also, a “worse life” does not mean the life is not worth living, rather the quality of life is lower in select respects.
[4] Consider the inverse of these two phases: outward ingratitude and inward ingratitude. Everyone gets jealous occasionally but you should avoid absolutely unappreciative people at all costs.
